2/6/25 - I got the brakes on my bike upgraded, as well as a few other little things. My chest has been hurting more, and I've been having more trouble breathing, from wearing my binder. So I've been changing out of it sooner in the day at work, or just not wearing it at all. The world of US politics has been overwhelming. I've been trying to strike a healthy balance between reality and escapism. It's all just so exhausting. I got my new ID, and I'm going through all the other paperwork with my name change too.
We're finally getting our schedule changed at work. I'll still have to ride my bike some of the days, but on others I can take the bus and not have to worry about packing a change of clothes. I think I'll be able to start going to the queer writers' group again, too. I've missed that, it's really nice.
I'm working on some more embroidery and repair projects. I'm fixing a pair of Garrett's jeans, and I'm making a trans Shadow the Hedgehog patch for Kevin. I need to hem a pair of slacks that I got for myself over the weekend from my old work, too. I stopped in after running some errands because I happened to be nearby. Everyone working at the time were my former coworkers, so I chatted with them a bit. I also got a couple shirts and a pair of light wash jeans. So.......I now have TWO pairs of blue jeans! Instead of just one. I'm definitely going to have to embroider something on these, because they look quite boring. Maybe I'll add some sheep or something like that.
Last night I didn't play a farming game like usual to go to sleep, I just went on Pinterest for a while. Truly an enriching activity.
Ooohhh, you know what's messed up? My boss accidentally knocked over and broke my mug today! It's the one that says "Freak in the Sheets" over an Excel spreadsheet. My boss felt bad and gave me money to replace it though, so I immediately ordered another of the same mug. I really like that mug a lot. It really makes me feel like I'm at work when I drink tea or coffee out of it. And I don't like using the same mugs as other people, either. But soon, I'll have another freak in the sheets mug.......just gotta wait......and use other mugs in the meantime :^[
1/28/25 - My weekend was pretty nice. It wound up being 3 days because I called out sick on the last day of my work week (I was up all night from awful stomach pain and didn't get any sleep. I'm fine now though.) I spent a lot of time with Garrett, we went on a little date to a place we've been going to frequently. I also put in my time-off request for top surgery.
Yesterday in particular, I got a lot of stuff done! I went with Kevin and Banshee to run some errands. I dropped off my online returns, we donated clothing to a community closet (picked up a few things too), I filed for my second name change*, and we went to the dollar store together. They have these mac and cheese bites that are surprisingly very good? They seem to be exactly like the ones they sell at Wayback, which...big if true...
*For those who don't already know, I first changed my name when I was 18. The legal name I'm changing it to is only really a slight remix of that name that I feel significantly more comfortable using. So it's not a huge step in my ~gender affirmation journey~ or anything, but it's still a chore that I've been too lazy to do for yeeeeears. I mean, I've been using Simon as a first name since.................I don't know! A while! Probably at least 6 years ago??? And I really don't like being called by my current legal first name!! So this will just make my life easier. And I've also been putting off getting a passport and realID until I change my name again, so now I can cross those things off the list soon too.
Speaking of ~gender affirmation journey~, I've been pondering HRT for a while. I'm still not 100% decided on when or how, but I'll say that I'm maybe..........67% in favor of going on a low dose of T at some point in the next year or two? Maybe not to stay on forever, and maybe not soon. But I'm interested in the idea. I definitely have a lot more research to do. I want to write out my pros and cons by hand, imagine what my life might look like with vs without it at different points in time, stuff like that. But I think I at the veeeeery least want to go on T when I'm older, to help me age in a way that I feel comfortable with. Basically, I don't want to look like a teenage boy (or middle aged lesbian) forever. But certain effects of messing with my hormones are also things that I want to be in the right place and time to deal with head-on.
To be especially candid, my skin is one of my biggest insecurities, and I do tend to deal with some moodiness and melancholy when my hormones shift around. So I want everything else in my life to be relatively stable and worry-free at a time when I'm going to be dealing with breakouts, mood swings, and potential personality and preference changes. It's possible that I might want to start eating meat again due to cravings, and I'm not quite at a place to reckon with the moral question of that yet. There's also the element of body fat redistribution and potential weight gain that could come along with my appetite increasing. Right now, my everyday wardrobe is a bit limited, so I don't want to have to replace a bunch of clothes when I'm expected to come into work wearing certain things each day. And I want to get used to the way my body looks and feels post-top surgery (and with my newly more active lifestyle) for a while before changing it some more.
On the other hand, there are effects of T that I absolutely want at one point or another, particularly the permanent ones like voice drop, anatomy change, hairline recession (I just happen to like the subtle classy mature look of some male pattern balding), and facial hair growth. So it's really more a matter of "when to" than "whether to." Because none of my least desired effects of masculinizing HRT are total hard passes for me that I couldn't find ways to deal with under the right circumstances.
1/24/25 - I'm pretty exhausted. Wearing a binder has been hurting more lately, and a lot of my muscles are sore from bike riding (although that's a good thing bc muscles etc.) My back also hurts because I just mopped, which I hate doing. Our new manager has not been doing any of the scheduled chores during his shifts, so I've had to pick up his slack, which really sucks.
That stuff aside, I've been making more preparations for top surgery, which I'm incredibly happy about and excited for. I've also gotten a few more accessories for bike riding at night, like a head lamp, thermals to wear when it's super cold out, etc. Also, I don't think I wrote anything about it, but I ordered some furniture a week ago. None of that has gotten here yet but I'm super excited for when it does, because I got a new bedframe with a headboard and a fold-out couch in particular, so we can have people over more easily (and also hang out in the living room comfortably.)
I did "get" a small "night stand" that I ordered on Amazon, except they sent a bar stool instead, so now I have to return the stool and wait for them to send the actual item. It's not a huge deal but it's a pain to return online orders. I mean, the reason I do so many of them is because I don't drive, my partner doesn't have a reliable vehicle, and neither of us have much free time except on weekends.
In other news, I've begun looking into different options for permanent contraception. I've been reading a lot of research and comparing the effectiveness rates and such. Pretty sure I know which one I want to get, but that isn't really an immediate need type of situation since my arm implant will be effective for another couple years (and it's technically veeeeeeery slightly more effective. I just don't like the hot flashes and headaches.)
My commute home has been varying in difficulty and pleasantness, mostly depending on the weather. It does suck that I've had to go much slower because of low visibility, so it takes me almost an hour to get home, when it takes about half an hour to get to work during the day. But the headlamp coming tomorrow should help with that.
I've also been struggling to figure out the best type of music to listen to on my ride home. So far, musicals and cohesive albums have been working the best, because they keep my mind occupied on a continuous theme rather than fears of crashing or falling into the river. But it's hard to find the correct balance between "dark" and "cheerful" that works well for listening to music at night when I'm trying not to be too scared. If the music is too dark and ominous (which honestly most of the music I listen to is), I get scared more easily, but if it's too cheerful, it feels uncanny and artificial.
And simply liking a piece of music a lot doesn't mean it will work well either! I've tried unsuccessfully to commute home while listening to some of my favorite Sufjan Stevens albums and got SO SCARED because of all the tiny whispery eerie background vocals he uses! But when I listened to the album Disintegration by The Cure (which I don't usually listen to), it struck the perfect balance between dark and cheerful, and I felt great riding my bike home in the dark. Although there was some spider-related song in there that did creep me out a little. Not because it made me think of spiders (which I genuinely love and find quite charming) but because they were using some sort of creepy noises to sonically represent spiders.
I've also tried making a playlist of songs that seem to have the right vibe, but the switching between different artists and genres is a bit jarring, as well as the unpredictability of listening to a shuffled playlist (and it always takes me a ton of time and effort to arrange a song order that I'm satisfied with for a playlist.)
1/21/25 - YES YES YES IT FINALLY HAPPENED!!!!! I GOT SCHEDULED FOR TOP SURGERY!!!!!! MARCH 18 MARCH 18 MARCH 18!!!!!
1/18/25 - My bike commute is becoming pretty enjoyable! I've even started taking the Scary Path again, and it's much less scary now that I'm familiar with it (and now that the recent fog has cleared outside.) The river also looks really beautiful from the path, both at night and during the day.
Now it's finally about to be my weekend, too. This hasn't been the worst work week I've ever had by any means, but it's been a bit of a struggle adjusting, especially with food and sleep. I'm glad to finally get some time at home with Garrett too, since now we barely see each other since our schedules are almost exactly opposite. :( but at least we have the same days off.
Today I finished embroidering the Rain World karma symbols I added near the slugcat on my flannel!
Also - AAAAAAAAAA!!!!! I searched up my online username to look for a link and came across someone who had pinned the Picrew I made to a "best picrew links" board on Pinterest, with a bunch of ppl commenting the images they made!!! It made me so happy I cried a lil!!!!
1/16/25 - Last night was so much better than the night before! I didn't feel scared at all taking that different route. I also used my flashlight when it got too dark, although I need to figure out a way to mount it on my bike so I don't have to just hold it in my hand at the same time as the handlebar.
And then today on the way to work, I was way faster now that I'm a bit more comfortable with the path. I think that after I do this a few more times and have a way to mount my flashlight, I'll be able to take the Scary Path home again, since it is faster than going through town. Although I am worried for the temperature to drop to the 30s soon. I'm going to start wearing a beanie under my helmet to protect my ears from the cold.
I wound up sleeping in pretty late this morning/afternoon, partly because Misty (kitten) was cuddling with me, which was very cute and relaxing. I've been having this problem where if a cat cuddles with me and I don't work in the morning, I wind up sleeping in. But I do feel pretty rested today, so it's not all bad. I meal prepped some pesto pasta but didn't wind up wanting to eat a ton of it at work, and got a little microwavable burrito with black beans and wild rice for my lunch.
I haven't been eating as much for the past few days, which is interesting because I've been much more active and it would make sense for me to be hungrier. But I feel more sensitive to nausea because of the activity. And there's the fact that I've been (or at least felt) busier. Maybe I just need to get more food that's easy to eat with minimal prep. I always feel guilty doing that though!
1/15/25 - WOW, LAST NIGHT WAS AWFUL!!! I had figured it would be scary riding my bike home at night on a path I was pretty new to, but I honestly underestimated HOW scary it would be, because I didn't know that most of the bike path doesn't have any lamps and part of it is in a kind of forest area. It was also SUPER foggy last night, and I could only see maybe 10-20 feet ahead of me with my bike's front light. It took way longer than it had to because I was terrified and going much slower than usual. I couldn't even listen to music in one earbud like I had on my commute over, because the mix of the music and the wind started making creepy noises like a man's voice coming from behind me. And I couldn't really look behind or around me because I didn't want to swerve.
The fear also made my hands shake, which made me worry that I would veer off the path and fall into the river, which made me more scared, etc. Part of me felt like I would never get home, because I couldn't recognize any of the scenery around me in the dark and fog. When I did get home, I cried a lot, and it took another hour or two to fall asleep.
Today, I took that same path to get from home to work, so I could become more familiar with everything and hopefully less scared. The path definitely felt MUCH shorter when I could see everything around me clearly and was comfortable moving faster. I did get kind of lost at the end of the bike path trying to get on to the right path into town, because there were a lot of looping trails at this park. But I made it into work on time.
Tonight, I'm planning to take a different path where I'm in town for longer so there's more visibility. It's similar to the path I took to work the first time, when I got lost.........although hopefully I won't get lost this time. I'm going to try using an extra flashlight if it's too dark to see very far again.
In other news, I redid my slugcat embroidery, and I'm finally 100% satisfied with it.
1/14/25 - I rode my new bike to work for the first time. Thankfully I gave myself a lot of extra time in case I got lost, which I did. Why is Simon riding a bike to work when they live so conveniently close to one bus station and work one block away from the other bus station, you might wonder?
The answer is that we have a really awful new manager who wrote an awful schedule where I work until after midnight, when the busses do not run. I'm sticking it out though because aside from him, I love this job (and I want to keep my insurance.)
Anyway, it's an e-bike, and my coworker was kind enough to sell it to me for really cheap (she also just wanted to get rid of it). I've only been using the pedal assist sometimes on the 1st or 2nd setting because I'm still getting used to it, and I'm pretty scared of going fast.
(I can't even enjoy the Sonic games for this reason.)
It's a lot of fun to ride, I'm just not looking forward to riding it in the middle of the night, in the winter. Yikes. Hopefully I at least get more muscular legs out of this.
I do enjoy riding bikes after all! I always have, and in fact I've been wanting to get a new one for the past couple years! It's just really inconvenient to commute this way, because I have to wear more business formal clothes to work, so I have to bring at least a change of shoes and pants with me. And I can't really wear a binder while exercising, either. Hopefully I'll be getting top surgery some time in the next 5 months though, and that will no longer be a problem.
This is the first journal entry I'm actually writing on my computer, btw! I just wrote the other ones down on my notes app over the weekend.
1/13/25 - I shot a rifle today! I also had fried artichoke hearts for the first time!
1/12/25 - I "finished" embroidering the slugcat on my flannel. Not 100% satisfied with it, it looks a little too wide and the tail is a little too short, but at least it's recognizably a slugcat. I will probably redo it.